Dogs, Fences and Parenting Styles

I have two dogs, a lab-beagle mix named Penny, and a German Shepard-something mix named Lucy.  Penny, being part beagle, will follow her nose into all kinds of danger and no amount of calling can get her off the trail and back toward home.  Our yard is not fenced in, so we have to attach Penny to a leash every time she goes outside.  I am sure she would happily follow a scent all day and possibly find her way home eventually...that is, if she survived the busy road nearby.  So, for her protection, she is allowed only a certain amount of freedom.  We let her outside, but she can only go so far so that she doesn't get hurt.

There are many ways to contain your dog.  A. You can let her roam free and if she gets hit, you are at fault.  B. You can build a fence around your yard, though she may find a way under or over if she is determined.  C. You can keep her on a leash and guide every direction she turns. Or, D. You can bury a wire and put a special collar on her that beeps when she gets too close, and zaps her a little when she crosses the wire.

Let's look at option A.  While a dog may be very happy with complete freedom, there are some bad things that could happen...she could leave messes in your neighbor's yard which causes friction between you and your neighbor.  She could start a fight with someone's dog or cat, or bite someone causing injury for which you would be liable.  She could get hit by a car.  What about a child?  What happens to a child who has no limits to what they can and cannot do?  They grow up thinking they are the center of the universe, making doormats of everyone they come in contact with.  I see a future of hurt and broken relationships down that path. 

Option B.  Fences are great...as long as they are reinforced.  It doesn't take long for a dog who loves to wander to dig under that fence.  Some are even climbers.  They can be crafty when they set their mind on getting past that barrier.  If you don't bother to make sure the fence stays in place, then you are right back to option A and you might as well have never put any fence up at all.  This is the parent who loves to discuss rules, but never consistently follows through with the consequences when one is broken.  Eventually this parent's voice gets tuned out. 

Option C.  A tight leash can keep a dog from every danger.  On the leash she only goes where you allow, only sniffs what you allow, and you even pick up her messes as she goes.  She never learns how to get along with other dogs, never learns how to avoid danger herself, and has no freedom.  This is the "hovering" parent.  I confess, this is me most of the time.  Hovering parents watch our child's every move, not only to keep them from outside danger, but to keep them from experiencing the consequences their own decisions might cause, to keep them from personal failure, and to keep ourselves from any public embarrassment.  Therefore, they never learn how to problem solve on their own.  If something is "too hard", I do it for them.  If they get in an argument with their sister, I swoop in to solve it.  If they aren't doing what I want in a timely fashion, I follow them around, nagging every step of the way as their personal time-keeper (two of them know how to tell time).  They never get to learn from failure because they're never allowed to fail. 

Finally Option D.  The underground fence.  At first the dog has no idea what is happening.  She has this strange new collar on that makes a funny noise and then gives her a little pain when she gets too close to a certain border around the yard.  She'll resist it, trying to find a loophole somewhere, bumping against that line, trying to cross for a long time until she discovers it's not moving.  This is effective parenting.  Kids are supposed to test our boundaries so that they can learn to make the right decisions on their own.  This is a skill they will need later in life when we aren't around to tell them what to do.  It's going to hurt them when they cross the line, either a swat on the bottom or loss of privileges or other consequences.  These consequences under our care are far less severe than they would be as young adults if these lessons are never learned.  Jail time, broken relationships, addiction, difficulties with employment.  It's not an easy thing to discover that you are not in fact the center of the universe...so the most loving thing to do is to show empathy for their pain...then keep holding that line.  Make the boundary and consequences clear, then stick to it, all the while empathizing with their feelings. 

*That very last bit about empathy was something I have recently learned.  Sometimes you read a book and it rocks your world.  I just finished reading Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  I wish would have read it much sooner, like before I had any children.  I HIGHLY recommend it to all my friends who have kids, plan to have kids, work with kids, or have grand kids, you get the idea.*

All this thinking and reading about parenting has opened my eyes to the incredible ways our heavenly Father parents us, His children.  We have freedom, but we also have consequences for the choices we make.  He lovingly allows discipline to shape us into the mold of His perfect Son, Christ.  We hate it...sometimes we even hate Him for it...but discipline helps us make better choices in the future.  He empathizes with our pain like no one else can, and He promises to never leave us.  He gives us clear boundaries in His Word, and the Holy Spirit to help us understand and convict us when we are doing wrong.  Shouldn't we model our own parenting after that of our perfect Father?